Will a lion eat me?
As we prepared to set off for our camping adventure in Botswana from South Africa, I returned to thinking of the question that kept me awake an entire night back home in London. Would a lion eat me? Firstly, I worked through the logistics of this scenario, step by step, in my mind.
Okay, so first, get in the tent on top of the van, yes that’s fine (well no it’s not, this brings issues in itself but yes okay). However, I have to leave the ladder up to the tent (because it is holding the tent up) on the ground. Curious lion investigates said ladder.
Second, the Question. Do lions like to climb ladders?
Consequently, here was my middle of the night problem.
By 3 a.m. this impending lion predicament required earnest contemplation. By 4 a.m. – I had it worked it out.
First of all, lion leaps from the ladder in a Lion King, Scar against Mufasa type fashion, ripping the tent open with his claws before finally pulling me down the ladder for breakfast. Would I make a good breakfast? Surely a tasty wildebeest would be better, no?
… Indeed, I have put on a lot of weight this year. Oh my god, I am lion fodder. I knew I should have gone to the gym. Is it too late to enrol in Weight Watchers? This is what comes of all this be kind to yourself Guilt-Free Croissants: Because I’m worth it nonsense. Okay, that’s it, I am, Doomed.
So, at 5 a.m., I have convinced myself. Lion tent attack is definitely a high possibility. Furthermore (!) they could attack left of field, they might not even use the ladder; they could just jump on the van. Oh, this is a disaster. Help meeee! Ladder climbing lions were not taken into consideration when planning.
What to do, what to do!
Thoughts of what to do played over and over in my mind. Wearing a Simba onesie could be a solution, pretend I am one of them. Leopard print sandals, stick my feet out the tent, that would fox them. Tiger ears, on a headband, obviously; just to confuse. No, nothing seemed a suitable antidote to the ladder climbing lion coming to get me for breakfast.
6 a.m., decided I might as well get up. From the safety of my apartment, I gazed at the last sunrise over the London jungle…
“Alexa, how do you outsmart a lion?”
And update…little did I know I also had to worry about the tree-climbing tigers in India Ranthambore Tigers: They don’t know it’s Sunday.